Relationships are almost always changing. Even when things feel the same, they are usually moving in some direction. Sometimes these changes are exciting, like getting closer or reaching a big goal together. Other times, change can be hard. It can lead to fights, hurt feelings, or even a breakup. No matter what happens, it is normal to feel nervous, have trouble sleeping, or want to pull away. The goal isn't to make these feelings disappear, but to learn how to handle them calmly.
One of the first steps is to let yourself feel your emotions. Usually, you will feel more than one thing at a time. You might feel sad but also relieved. You might feel love and anger at once. When we tell ourselves we "shouldn't" feel a certain way, we typically just make ourselves feel worse. Instead, just notice what is there. Is it fear? Sadness? Naming your feelings can actually help them feel less intense. Your feelings are important, but they don't have to make your choices for you.
It also helps to look closely at the thoughts in your thoughts. When we have big feelings, we often tell ourselves "stories" that aren't quite true, like "I'll always be alone" or "It's all my fault." These thoughts feel true in the moment, but you should try to question them. Ask yourself: "Is there proof this is true?" or "Is there a kinder way to look at this?" You don't have to force yourself to be happy, but you should try to find the truth behind your thoughts.
Once you understand your feelings and thoughts, think about your "values" the things that are most important to you. When things are hard, we often react without thinking. Knowing your values helps you decide how to act, even when you are upset. Ask yourself: "What kind of person do I want to be?" and "What is okay for me to put up with?" Acting on your values helps you feel more confident. When a relationship changes, your daily routine changes, too. Using your values to reconnect with friends or hobbies can help you feel steady again.
Dealing with relationship changes is not linear. Many times, it zigs zags back and forth. Some days you will feel great, and other days you might feel sad again. That is a natural part of healing. Consider enrolling in Learn to Live's Resilience program to learn more tools that can help navigate any relationship.
