You may find yourself sitting alone, scrolling through photos of other's holiday gatherings. You might think that it seems everyone around you is filled with joy. And overcome with a sense of togetherness. Maybe you have lost someone important this year. Or certain friendships have drifted away. In any case, you are left feeling more alone than ever. Studies have shown that over half of Americans feel sad or lonely during the holiday season. But there are ways to ease these feelings of isolation and create meaningful connections during the holiday season.
Our thoughts can often fall into unhelpful patterns that can make times of loneliness feel even worse. Being aware of these thought patterns (called Automatic Negative Thinking Traps or ANTs) is an important first step in easing the sense of isolation. Here are some ANTs that commonly show up during the holiday season:
- Feeling Makes Fact is where we feel something so strongly, we believe it must be true. Our feelings of loneliness may feel so strong that we believe it is our permanent truth.
- All-or-Nothing Thinking is where we think in extremes. This might sound like “I need to make time for all my loved ones this season otherwise the holidays are ruined.” These types of thoughts do not allow for the reality that you can feel lonely and still have meaningful connections.
- Focus Only on the Bad is where we focus only on the bad parts of our situation. Thoughts like “Nobody reached out to me today” might show up, while you ignore that your sibling called the day before.
When you notice unhelpful thoughts, you can pause and check-in with yourself. Are there any ANTs showing up here? Does this thought have any evidence behind it? This quick check in can help us spot when our thoughts are making our feelings of loneliness worse. And then step away from the thinking traps rather than getting caught in them.
We can also look at taking action to feel more connected. Behavioral activation is a tool that focuses on engaging in meaningful activities. Think about some ways you may be able to connect with others - big or small. You could send one text to someone you haven't connected with recently. Or reach out to ask a family member to grab coffee with you. Maybe what you are hoping for is new connections. You could try attending a community event or volunteer for an organization that aligns with your values.
Once you decide what you would like to do to connect with others, it is helpful to schedule it in. You could try a weekly text check-in. Or a monthly coffee. Community or volunteer events may already have a schedule once you get going. But it may be helpful to schedule in a time for yourself to sign up or do some research on what organization or event you would want to do. You could schedule time daily or weekly. If you would like to make it a habit, it is best to schedule it after a habit you already have. This could be something simple, like committing to do 15 minutes of research each night after dinner. Or sending a text check-in each week after your morning workout class.
The holiday season can be tough when we are feeling lonely. But the next time you find yourself feeling alone, remember that you now have tools to respond differently. You can take steps toward a more meaningful and connected holiday season.
